This is who I am when your not looking...

So, I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been so busy with work and tradeshows, BUT I have successfully pulled off all of my events and now I can de-stress a little.  Last night (or this morning) I rolled in from Atlanta after doing WFX at 1:00am.  I was so tired and sick and just worn down. I got a shower and texted with David for a couple hours. He posted a song that I ABSOLUTELY love and have ever since I heard it. It's called "who are you when I'm not looking." He said that it reminded him of me. Well, now when I listen to that song I really listen to the words. I thought to myself, you know, I am kind of a different person when alone. I let things come out more, I let a guard down, and I let myself fall apart every now and then. So, this blog is to kind of de-stress but to also let the man I love KNOW exactly who I am when he's not around.

So this blog is going to go along with the song but also my actions when I'm home all alone for days while David is gone.  This blog will reveal a lot that I don't think even David or Mom knows. So here goes....

I work hard, I'm the Executive Assistant to the President of an Audio Company; my work ethic is strong and I push myself and take on a lot more than I should at times, but I enjoy working and being needed at work.  I love at the end of the day going home though. There is nothing like walking in the door and knowing that I'm safe and can relax.  Usually if David is in town then I will go home and start supper, cook, maybe do laundry, then dishes, then shower, devotion, and then bed.  When he is gone, I go home take the puppy out, play with Chumley for an hour or so.  Give him treats and then I have a beer or a mix drink to settle me down.  I read Chumley stories.... I know, but I do, and he listens, it is the sweetest moment I get with him all day.   Usually if I have no show coming on I will fix me a bowl of cereal and dance and sing with Chumley.  He loves when I dance and he gets to jump and act a fool with me.  We dance all over the apt and it is such a fun time.   Come shower time or bath time; that is me time. I give Chumley all my love while I'm home...I want 30 minutes for me so that when I get out I have all my love to give him again. So, yes babe, I do undress and leave a path from my side of the bed to the bathroom door.  Chumley like to put my clothes in a pile and snuggle in them and so I don't have to fight him and feel bad for not letting him in the bathroom. So I turn the radio on and hop in the shower or bathtub and I sing. I sing loudly. I sing songs that remind me of my day or how I'm feeling at that moment. I get out and dry off and will ususally let Chumley in because he thinks I'm dancing without him.

After that I may go to bed or if Chumley is playing with toys I will take some time and write.  I hold a lot in and I try not to let all of my negative feelings come out for the world to see. It helps nothing (yes babe, I know I can be negative but you don't see half of what goes through my head or what I feel.)  I will write and think about things I have done through out the day or emotions I went through. I think about me and David. It's hard when David is gone and I try not to say I miss you and wish you were here all the time because he doesn't really need to hear that. I try to have a little bit of a life here while he is gone. I try to focus on me or spend as much time spoiling Chumley as possible. (I adore that dog to the ends of the earth) Sometimes after I start writing about me and David or thinking about us, I cry and I cry hard.  IT's not easy going two weeks and only seeing him one day or feeling bad and needing him and him not being there. It sucks because when you date a man in racing you have to come to grips with the fact that racing is first priority and first love, and the life at home falls in wherever it fits. I still have trouble but David likes what he does and he has been doing it long before he met me and I wouldn't ask him to change that. So yeah I have a difficult time and I spend a great deal of time feeling lonely BUT the great thing about that is I enjoy our time together AND I have a little 4 pound love that comes running to me as soon as I move and am ready to snuggle and I realize that I have everything I need and want to not feel lonely in that little guy. He's wonderful. He is such a blessing and I love him to death.

So, in the end. I dance, sing, drink, love, cry, and get lonely.  BUT when David is gone it allows me time to bond wiht Chumley, time to miss him, and time to be me if I want or not to be me, it allows me to fall apart and not have to worry about it.

So, that is who I am when no one is looking....